Santa Claus and the jolliest of his elves kick off the Holiday Season tomorrow at RiverPark Square.

The big guy takes the hot seat at 7:30, but the merriment starts at 6 with a special reading of “Polar Express” by none other than Mrs. Claus. Plus there'll be hot chocolate from Ben & Jerry's, caroling for all, face painting and even a balloon artist. (Because, really, nothing says “Happy Holidays!” with as much gusto as a contorted rubber reindeer.)

The ginormous tree will be lit in the atrium and kids can enter to be the first to sit on Santa's lap … He knows if you've been bad or good. I'm just sayin'.

For a full list of Santa's hours,visit the RiverPark Square website.  

Wa-hoozie! The holidays are here.

Gone with the Wind Most importantly it has old-school one-line zingers that you just don't find in current movies. Think about it … How many times have you uttered, “Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.” Or, “As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again.” Do you even know where the lines come from, what they mean? Tomorrow night's your chance to find out.

Thursday at 7:30 the Bing Crosby Theater is showing this 1939 classic on the big screen. Although I've seen the film plenty of times (most of it, at least … although never in one sitting … it's almost 4 hours long!), I plan to take a seat and put my short attention span to the test. (Please, God, tell me there'll be an intermission.)

Get together with your girlfriends and down a couple mint juleps. Then settle in for one of the greatest (and most frustrating) love stories of all time. Hoop skirts not required.

The clip below features one of my absolute favorite moments between Rhett and Scarlett: “No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.” Ah, Rhett, they just don't make 'em like you anymore.

• Gone with the Wind
  
• Thursday, November 19
• 7:30 p.m.
• $5 suggested donation, to benefit The Advocates of the Bing Crosby Theater
• The Bing Crosby Theater, 901 W. Sprague

I’ve never had an issue with wine that comes in a box (as all those nips I filched from the taps of my parent’s Franzia boxes when I was in high school can attest). Box wine stays fresher longer. And it’s convenient – there’s no need for a corkscrew, or even a glass … just put your mouth under the spigot and let ‘er rip. Yet some say boxed wine is tacky. Others consider it liquid waste. Not me. I think it’s brilliant. Especially when the box is small enough to fit in your pocket …

In homage to our reckless adolescent pulls on the Sunset Blush, an old high school pal recently surprised me with a cute little carton of WineNik. Each 17-ounce box holds two hearty glasses of wine and packs a respectable 13%. In place of the spout there’s a twist-top, which is the perfect place for a straw. We instantly dubbed it Mommy’s Juice Box.

We tried the RedNik (it also comes in WhiteNik). It wasn’t the best wine I’ve ever had (that particular honor goes to a pinot that came from a bottle with – gasp – a screwtop), but it wasn’t bad, either. As in, I’ll totally drink it again. And I’m totally stowing one in my purse for emergencies.

Pick up your Juice Box for Big Kids at Huckelberry’s: 4-packs are just $5.99.

Seriously? I mean, apples are nice and all, but I’ve yet to meet one that was worth being kicked out of a dive bar much less the Garden of Eden.

Now, if the story went something like: “When the woman saw that the juicy Granny Smith was coated in rich, buttery caramel then rolled in crushed Butterfinger candy bits, she took some and ate it” … I’d have a much easier time getting behind the story. (And, yes, I know this whole “apple as the forbidden fruit” deal is conjecture since nowhere in the tale is any particular fruit actually named, but why quibble?)

Although the yummies at Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory might not get you kicked out of Paradise, they may lead to a walk of shame at your next Weight Watchers meeting. Trust me – totally worth it. 

Their most tempting creations include:

• Tiger Butter Apple: Caramel-covered Granny Smith dipped in a white confection and peanut butter mixture, then drizzled with milk chocolate. $6.95
• Cookies & Cream Apple: Caramel-covered Granny Smith dipped in white confection, then rolled in crushed Oreo cookies. $5.95
• Rocky Road Apple: Caramel-covered Granny Smith rolled in walnuts and marshmallows, then drizzled with milk chocolate and white confection. $6.95

And when they ask if you’d like to have your apple sliced before it goes in the bag, do yourself a favor and say yes – the good stuff goes on thick and can prove cumbersome to the average kitchen knife. (And your patience when all you want to do is sink your teeth into that sucker.)

If these caramel-encased beauties aren’t heavenly enough, take a gander at their candy counter. Chocolate-covered graham crackers, hand-dipped dark chocolate-covered cherries, fistfuls of velvety fudge, sumptuous truffles and let’s not forget the frosty tubs of deluxe ice creamy goodness … Yeah, this is chocolate in Biblical proportions. Amen.

Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory – 506 N. Sullivan Road, Suite E; 509.927.RMCF

It’s Thursday afternoon, the time when everybody starts tittering about all the great stuff they plan to get up to this weekend. Tailgates. Guitar Hero marathons. Hunting excursions (run, Bambi, run!!!).

And there you sit, with absolutely nothing to contribute to the conversation. True, lounging on the sofa and catching up on laundry is a splendid way to pass an afternoon, but who wants to admit that’s how they plan to spend an entire weekend? Not you, that’s who.

Don’t fret, my pets. I’ve come up with three totally cool things to do this weekend that require almost no planning and will get your butt up off that sofa faster than you can say fabric softener.

Friday night: Head to the Knitting Factory to take in local boy gone good, Tyrone Wells. Wells cranks out soulful pop/rock that’s surprisingly catchy and almost-instantly recognizable, probably because in addition to major air time it’s been featured on scads of popular TV shows, including Rescue Me, Gray’s Anatomy, and One Tree Hill. This local Guitar Hero’s show starts at 8, with help from Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers, and Matt Hires. There are still a few tickets available through TicketMaster ($13 in advance, $15 day of show), but they’re going fast so don’t dawdle. Click here for more info on the show: The Knitting Factory

Saturday: Lace up your skates, pop some pre-emptive ibuprofen and spend the afternoon at Riverfront Park’s Ice Palace. Saturday’s skate sessions run from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. and 7-10 p.m. Admission is $4.25 for skaters 13 and over; and $3.25 for kids aged 3-12, seniors over 62, and members of the military. Group Health is graciously covering everyone’s skate rental during Saturday’s early session (usually $3/person), which means you’ll have an extra $3 to put toward your post-skate urgent care co-pay. (Come on, admit it. Ice skating is a total blast, but it’s one of those activities you go into knowing full well you’ll pay for it in the morning.) Click this link for a full list of skate times and other free skate rental days: Riverfront Park Ice Palace

Sunday: In case you haven’t heard (been hiding under a rock or something?) Disney’s The Lion King is in town through December 6. Get psyched for the show with a stroll through the lobbies of The Davenport Hotel and Tower. Replicas of the elaborate masks and puppetry are on display in both lobbies, and there’s a full costume on display in the Davenport’s hotel gift shop. Make an afternoon of it by plopping on one of the Dav’s comfy overstuffed lobby chairs (this may be the only place in town where sitting on a sofa can be considered an event) and sipping something from the Peacock Lounge. Click here for more info on the Broadway production: Spokane’s Best of Broadway

So there you have it. An entire weekend of super cool things to do. The laundry will wait, trust me.

Mid-week holidays are a nice way to break up the work-week monotony. But let’s not forget why we’re celebrating this Wednesday. I double-dog dare you to walk up to a member of our military, active or veteran, look them in the eye and extend a heartfelt thank you. No matter what you believe, these people believe in protecting our freedoms, and they deserve – at the very least – our gratitude.

A couple of area restaurants are serving tasty freebies to those who’ve so bravely served our country. Active-duty military and veterans just need to show proof of military service …

• Eat free at Applebee’s – choose from one of six selected entrees
• Nosh at Outback’s – free Bloomin’ Onion and non-alcoholic beverage
• If you know of any other places offering military specials, please let us know with a post below!
  

Another benefit we can all be thankful for are Veteran’s Day sales. From the 30-60% off storewide at Macy’s, and 50-70% off all luggage at Sears, to loads of other great deals awaiting shoppers at J.C. Penney’s, Kohl’s, Sports Authority, Joann’s and many major retailers, it seems like now’s the time to get that Christmas shopping done. Or at least started. Some deals are good only through Wednesday, others extend through the weekend. Check respective websites and stores for specifics.

And, just in case you’re wondering, here’s a list of services that are affected by the Veteran’s Day holiday:

• Banks: Money for nothing … financial institutions are closed
  
• STA: Take the bus and forget all the fuss – they’re running on their normal schedule
• Garbage: Kick it to the curb … trash and recycling will be picked up on the regular schedule
• Libraries: Spokane County libraries are CLOSED; Spokane City libraries are OPEN and they’re showing Hitchcock’s Rear Window at the downtown branch, at 5:30.
  
• Liquor Stores: Drink up, Buttercup. Area liquor stores are open
• Mail: No, really, the check is in the mail … and the USPS is open for business
• Parking Meters: Save your quarters for the Pac-Man machine – meters are taking a vacation day
  
• Schools: Sleep in, school’s out for Wednesday (grammatically incorrect, I know … I was channeling Alice Cooper)

Head downtown to The Knitting Factory and get jiggy with Dropkick Murphys. This Irish-American Celtic punk band from Massachusetts is rumored to put on one hell of a high-energy show.

Kilts, tattoos, banjos, accordians and bagpipes – how could it not be a party?

Doors open at 7 and the party starts with The Flatliners, The Insurgance and Random Noise, at 8.

I just checked and Tickets West is SOLD OUT of tickets; but the Knitting Factory box office opens at 5 … feeling lucky? Tickets – if you can get ‘em – are $25 at the door.

Coffee is good. Some mornings, coffee spiked with so much Peppermint Mocha Coffeemate Creamer I can’t taste the coffee is even better. Until now this scrumptious liquidy goodness was available only during the short, precious time between Halloween and the New Year. But I was just poking around the Coffeemate website and guess what? That’s right … Santa answered my prayers: “Your favorite holiday drink is now available all year around. Indulge yourself with the flavors of crisp peppermint and chocolatey mocha in your coffee any day of the year.”

Peppermint Mocha is the only creamer I’ll allow to mingle with my java, but if chocolate pepperminty bliss isn’t your thing (what the hell is wrong with you?) maybe you’d like one of these other limited-edition holiday flavors …

• Pumpkin Spice (not bad)
  
• Eggnog (not for me)
  
• Gingerbread (pretty good)
  
• Caramel Apple (haven’t seen this one locally but I’ll bet it’s awesome!)
  

And, just in case you’re wondering, yes, they do taste mighty fine in cocoa. Mighty fine. 

I’ve happened upon Spokane quite a few times while flipping through channels during the past few weeks …

There was the local Jeopardy gal. (Go, smart girls!)

Then there was a rerun of Antiques Roadshow. (One of the driest shows on television, and yet, every week I tune in.)

And a few days later a Spokane couple’s home was featured on HGTV’s If Walls Could Talk. (I’ve since driven around a few neighborhoods trying to figure out which house was theirs. No luck.)

Then, last night, Eric flipped to the G4 network and let out a squeal of delight that could mean only one of two things: Ninja Warrior was on, or, a Spokane criminal had been taken down on Cops. Ninja Warrior was not on the screen when I walked into the living room.

Instead, a tweaker sporting a Sideshow Bob ‘do, a ratty flannel and one hell of a belt buckle was wrestling with a couple of Spokane’s finest.

Tune in next week, folks … It’s things like this make a local proud.

Because some days everything is NOT all right … but it might seem better if you can find something to make you smile about it:

II found this “Life is Crap” cup during my inaugural visit to Halpin’s, one of the Valley’s hidden treasures. OK, really – sitting prominently on the corner of Bowdish and Sprague with a sign that can be seen from space without a telescope – it’s not all that hidden … I’d simply never before taken the time to stop in. I’d heard the place mentioned in conversation. I’d driven past it at least 1,037 times. But last week I stopped a lady to ask her where she’d gotten her purse – a strappy black bag weaved from seat belts, very cool – and she said “Halpin’s.” That did it. It was time for a visit.

Saturday morning I dropped Kegan off at Driver’s Ed (heaven help us) and walked across the street. An hour later the hubby called to check on my whereabouts … I’d planned to head right home after the drop-off to work in the yard … and I told him I’d stopped in at Halpin’s. “Oh, yeah,” he said, “See you in a few hours.” “What? How did you know? You’ve been here before?” “Sure. Everyone’s been there. It’s kind of one of those places where everybody goes.” “Yeah, well, this is my first time. Thanks for the head’s up, guy.” And with that I headed to yet another unexplored corner to while away the better part of another hour. Still I felt like I didn’t see everything. So, of course, I’ll go back.

And, since I know I can’t be the ONLY one in town to be late to the “that’s where everybody goes” party, let me fill you in on the things you might find in this place.

• Fake little dogs and cats that look so real you’ll do a double-take (to up the authentic factor these cute critters even “breathe,” thanks to a motor or something that moves in their belly and practically startles the holy crap out of you)
• A Spokandy counter (take two, they’re small)
• A full-service pharmacy that includes several isles of “incidentals” (don’t forget the dust-mop socks!)
• An entire room dedicated to dedicated collectors, with everything from large Thomas Kinkade paintings to tiny hand-painted designer shoes (can a girl ever get enough)
• A bunch of grandfather clocks and globes (time to leave … where you headed?)
• A place to buy Lottery tickets (ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky?)
• Two huge tables covered in snow village stuff, replete with lights and sounds (grandmothers everywhere will swoon)
• A life-sized chreche (please don’t allow your children to ride the donkey)
• An impressive selection of WSU, Gonzaga, Seahawks and other sport memorabilia (mostly local, yes, even UW)
• Aisles and aisles of Hallmark cards (why, yes, as a matter of fact I do understand why women tear up in greeting card aisles)
• Garden stuff, like designer watering cans, birdhouses made from coffee cans and rope light pink flamingos (I dare you not to smile when you see this …)
• Handmade beaded jewelry (from cute to what-did-I-do-to-deserve-this?)
• Holiday decorations – all their Halloween stuff was 40% off on Saturday; they also had a couple aisles of Thanksgiving paraphernalia and were overloading the store with all things Christmas (fell in love with the gumdrop-covered snowball ornaments)
• Hand-painted martini and wine glasses that say things like “Princess” (only when I drink); “Diva” (only when I’m drunk); and “Over the Hill” (only the morning after)
• Stuffed animals, including sock monkeys (updated with subdued rainbow hues … endearingly sweet)
• Candles and more candles (soy, organic, wickless, you name it)
• A huge display of Vera Bradley handbags and backpacks and such (never seen these before but they seem to be quite a hit … a little too “quilty” for me, but I know a few ladies who’d love ‘em)
• Anything else you can possibly think of (as long as you’re not thinking of ground beef, lava or snow tires)

Really? Could this day get any better?

Ordinarily I’m not a pre-game show kind of girl but by the grace of God I tuned in early to Game 2.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Jay-Z and Alicia Keys rocked that game opener with their new collaboration, “Empire State of Mind.” And those wicked pink boots? Hell yes!

Just when I was about to declare that the Yankees should begin every home game with that song, John Legend stepped up to the mic to belt out the National Anthem. One word: Yummy.

I don’t even care who wins. This is already my favorite game. Ever.

But, for what it’s worth: Go Phillies!!!

I’m half tempted to stay up all night and watch the season’s first snow swaddle the neighborhood. I’m also half tempted to take up the banjo, dye my hair pink, breed miniature donkies and spend Christmas in Mexico. But the chickens have threatened to strike if I bring home any more animals, my passport is missing, I have hobbit fingers and I’m quite fond of my natural color. So instead I’ll crank up the electric blanket and spend a cozy night dreaming of tiny pink donkies serenading me on a white sandy beach across the border.

I trust Mother Nature can do the deed without my supervision. I mean, she did a bang up job last year …

Besides being the absolute best place to find random crap you don’t really need but buy anyway, thrift stores are a last-minute costume-shopper’s dream. If you can’t find a Halloween ensemble here you may as well stay home Saturday night and drown your unimaginative sorrows in a bowl of bite-sized Twix bars.

The Valley’s Value Village has new costumes (still in the original package with all necessary pieces included) the likes of Naughty Chamber Maid, Purple Velvet Pimp Daddy, Wicked Wizard and Fairy Tale Princess, with price tags that range from $9.99 to $29.99 

There are gently used costumes from Halloweens past (much cheaper than the new ones and quite a bargain since they were probably only worn once – except for maybe the Naughty Chamber Maid, I can see how that little getup might have some staying power …) that include Red Velvet Devil Woman (the dress in the photo was going for $6.99),  Rhinestone Cowboy, Buxom Barmaid and – horror or horrors – Circus Clowns. These prices are all over the place – I saw stickers from 99 cents to $17ish.

For those with a little creativity there are racks of random costume cast-offs that can be whipped into something truly one-of-a-kind and totally memorable (Dominatrix Elf? Werewolf Ice Dancer? Corporate Butt Rocker?). Plus, racks and racks of new wigs, masks and accoutrements of all sorts mean if worse comes to worst you can just strap on some wings, pull on a pink pixie ‘do, sprinkle your bad self with glitter and go as the I’m Just Here for the Party Fairy.

I’ve always been a fan of Old Navy’s cute T-shirts and trousers and such. But I’d never been fond of the way the store resembled a lazy teenager’s bedroom (please tell me I’m not the only one who’s appalled by people who don’t pick up after themselves in public – if you see a shirt fall off the hanger and land on the floor, just pick it up, shake it off and put it back where it belongs before someone trips over it and breaks a hip). So I was totally jazzed when I walked into the store this afternoon and realized our local store had taken part in the Old Navy Beautification Project.

They’ve rearranged everything and given the whole store a thorough tidying (I didn’t see a single piece of clothing carelessly discarded on the floor – not even in the oft-disheveled Clearance section). The dressing rooms are now in the middle of the store, plus there are “Quick Change” booths scattered throughout the different departments. (But unless you have someone to stand guard and keep an eye on the Quick Change booth’s curtain I would opt for the real deal dressing rooms instead – you know the ones with locking doors … There are too many curious little kids just waiting to whisk back those curtain and reveal to the world that your days of squeezing into a Size 6 are long gone for my comfort.) The cash registers were relocated to an easy-access front-and-center location – plus, they’re all lined up along one easy-to-see counter so you can relax while standing on line without fretting that you’ll miss the next open register and raise the blood pressures of everyone standing in line behind you.

Even the lights seemed brighter. Then again, maybe my Clearance Rack Glow was illuminating the place in a way it never had before. Tons of stuff – lounge pants, T-shirts, skirts, jeans, undies, shoes, shorts and dresses – has been marked down and neatly arranged on racks, then topped off with “Take an EXTRA 50% Off Last Marked Price” signs. For less than $20 I picked up three pleated jersey dresses, a hooded jersey shirt and a pair of yoga pants! Life is good. 

All their Halloween stuff is 40% off now, too. They had great costumes for kids and dogs for around $13 to $18 with the discount – and when I was there they still had Bee and Princess costumes for both the two- and four-legged little ones. How stinking cute would it be to dress up your favorite small creatures in matching outfits and hit the Trick-or-Treat circuit. Yes, very stinking cute.

Because dreary days make me regret taking a sledgehammer to our fireplace … Ta-da! Comcast’s On Demand service offers this charming fireplace, complete with snaps, crackles and pops – for FREE (ahem … what I meant to say was: Enjoying this feature won’t chalk up an extra charge on your Comcast bill …). Just push the On Demand button on your remote, select TV Entertainment and scroll down until you find TV Screensavers. Then sit back and bask in the warm glow of an HD hearthfire – no wood to haul, no mess to clean up, no regrets about taking out your frustrations on helpless household fixtures.

There are a bunch other screensavers to choose from, including:

• American Flag
• Autumn Leaves
• Caribbean Sunset
• Clouds
• Coral Aquarium 1 & 2
• Glacial Lake
• Island Sunset
• Kaleidoscope
• Paradise Beach
• Spring Flowers
• Tropical Lillies
• Waterfall

All of the scenes are accompanied by either music or ambient sounds – soothing water laps the shore with Paradise Beach, and Autumn Leaves plays little woodland creature noises. Some of the scenes – like Spring Flowers and American Flag – are computer generated, while others, like the Coral Aquariums and Clouds – are real-life images.

But the kitsch factor of the fireplae makes it my fave.

Boobies are beautiful. But if you don’t take care of them, they can kill you. And nobody wants that. So pay attention and love those lovelies. The life you save may be your own … or your mother’s, your sister’s, or that amazing woman you married.

Friday night the Spitfire Grill and Hug Love Save (the non-profit* organization behind all that cute BOOBIES apparel you’ve been seeing all over town) are hosting Pink Night, a party to raise money for – and awareness of – breast cancer support and research.
 
Spitfire will serve pink drink specials from 4-8. Hug Love Save is bringing their full line of BOOBIES merchandise. Dean Smith (fun, funky and totally danceable) will play live music you can shake your ta-tas to. And Skin Candy Tattoo is bringing an ample supply of pink ink, perfect for that permanent display of encouragement.

Ladies, grab your guys (or all your girlfriends) and join the boobie-palooza at the Spitfire Friday night. Raise a glass to all the girls fighting the good fight. And then keep the conversation going once the party’s over. The more we talk about it the more comfortable we’ll be feeling ourselves up in the shower and scheduling those mammograms.

Spitfire Grill is located at 6520 E. Trent Ave.

*Hug Love Save donates 100% of their net proceeds to Komen and other breast cancer organizations. And on Friday night Spitfire will also donate a percentage of the night’s earnings to the cause.

Tell me, pretty please … Where does a girl go in this town to find a decent cupcake?

In case you haven’t noticed, I have a slight preoccupation with food, sweets in particular. Today things took a turn for the not-so-good when I ingested an entire cupcake’s worth of uncooked batter  (containing 3 – count ‘em – 3 raw eggs). I’m pretty sure I just gave myself salmonella, or whatever strain of food-borne illness one would contract after committing such a shameful act. 

In a couple of hours I’ll probably be dead, but right now I have a belly full of sweet cake battery goodness. And I feel fine. (And, truthfully, slightly bloated.)

Here’s what I (eventually) baked. Notice there are only 11 finished cupcakes. I wasn’t lying … I ate a full serving of raw batter. And someday soon I’ll do it again. Just so long as I don’t die of bacteria-induced dehydration first. Better start pushing fluids now, just in case. Luckily, this whipped frosting is light enough to drink through a straw.

I needed a gift to take to my little brother’s birthday party. He’s one of those guys who buys himself everything he wants, which makes giving him gifts absolute torture.

So … when I spied this box of cultish kitsch on a table at Hancock Fabrics, only one resounding thought boomed in my brain: “I know he doesn’t have one of these.”

In further defense of my lack of better judgement, it was on sale.

Never mind the humiliatingly public Facebook announcement I made in August telling everyone within my network (and all 7 million of their friends) that 2010 was going to be the year I finally got off my keister and did something about this niggling need to swim, bike and pedal my way to a whole new me via the Valley Girl Triathlon.

When a friend sent out a reminder message last night at 7:30 that race registration started at 12:01 this morning, I was halfway through a bottle of cheap red, and, frankly, just sozzled enough to sidestep my promise of kicking ass come Sunday July 11, 2010.

And so began a very rational ticking off of reasons why my non-participation was better for everyone: 1.) No need for Spandex…  2.) My trick knee can rest easy without worrying it might blow mid-stride and cause a scene…  3.) Countless innocent men, women and children will be spared the indelible vision of me trying to pull, prod and pray my way into a wetsuit… 4.) The doddering garage sale gem of a bicycle that’s been taking up space in the garden shed can enjoy yet another season of leisure… 5.) I can put all the energy I would have spent getting this bod into shape on more important things. Like eating ice cream and drinking beer.

The morning brought a clearer head than one might think (the bottle was empty by 9) so I logged on to the Valley Girl site ‘round about sunup, hoping to redeem myself before anyone had the time to notice I’d totally pussed out. Yeah, no dice. As of 1:10 this morning (count ‘em, only 69 minutes) all 550 race spots had been filled. Seriously. Apparently triathletes start paying attention to things like time and dedication far before the starting gun blows. Who knew?

Basically it’s a pork doughnut with a cult following. And until you sink your teeth into the crispy crust you just won’t get it.

My devotion to these lightly breaded and battered pork sirloin patties – tossed in a deep fryer until golden then set atop a bready mustard-smeared bun, and topped with fresh onion and pickles – began in early childhood.

Family folklore states that dad first brought me to Pork Chop John’s, a distinctive Butte institution that’s been creating cravings for Montana emigrants for decades, the day my first tooth broke the surface and signaled a readiness for solid food. I enjoyed a few splended years of relative PCJ’s regularity, but all that changed when my family packed up and moved back to Spokane in the late-‘70s.

This place, for all its glories, was a relative pork chop sandwich wasteland. For almost 30 years I pined for that one-of-a-kind flavor. (No, Butte doesn’t skew highly on my travel agenda.) Conversations with other Butte expats always included the wistful query: “Been to Pork Chop John’s lately?” Sigh.

And then, a few weeks ago, thanks to the famished teenager who demanded we eat something – like now, before he died of starvation (again) – our car veered off Trent into the Chattee’s Drive-In parking lot. 

The skies opened up and dropped a serving of perfection on the table right there in front of me. Crispy on the outside. Hot, tender porkiness on the inside. Served with a heap of fries and (as if life could be filled with any more unexpected pleasure) a big icy cold glass of Diet Dr. Pepper.

The owners tell me their perfect-o pork patties come from the same place that Pork Chop John’s do. I say they come straight from heaven. You be the judge.

Because the only thing better than hot cocoa with marshmallows is frozen hot cocoa with marshmallows. And the only thing better than pumpkin pie is … yeah, you know.

As a general rule, I don’t eat fruit in its original form. (It’s a texture thing that most people don’t seem to understand.) But I really dig fruit flavors (although it would be super if real fruit tasted more like Jolly Ranchers), so I’m a sucker for smoothies and other fruit-infused beverages – margaritas and martinis, especially.

When I got word that Press served up a fresh-squeezed grapefruit maritini – the Grapefruitini, how very clever – I got myself over there faster than you can say bioflavonoid. That lovely glass holds a full serving of zingy, honest-to-goodness grapefruit flavor without the gaggy, squirty consistency. Plus, enough Finlandia Grapefruit Vodka in each sip to wipe all traces of fruit phobia from my mind. It wiped plenty of things from my mind, actually. Just like a good drink should. (These doozies are served as doubles. Double the alcohol. Double the buzz. Double the hangover – and totally worth it.)   

Did anyone else catch the pilot episode of Trauma on NBC? Maybe because it came on the heels of yet another frustratingly nebulous episode of Heroes; maybe because it’s peppered with beautiful people in just-snug-enough uniforms; maybe because the opening scene was so visceral I actually gasped “Holy Hell!” out loud … Maybe it’s because the cinematography makes me feel like I’m watching a big-screen action film. Whatever the reason – I’m hooked!

But, I was a little perplexed by the appearance of two Friday Night Lights’ primary actors. (Brad Leland, who plays Buddy Garrity got his finger chopped off by a helicoptor pilot channeling “Bullitt” and we’ll probably only see him again if he sobers up and realizes that the “accident” wasn’t his fault; but Kevin Rankin, aka Herc on FNL, seems to be a major player in Trauma …) Actually, I was more than perplexed. I was slightly panicked. Could this mean lights out for my No. 2 fave scripted TV show? Say it ain’t so! Although, Tim Riggins (No. 33, hello!) would look just as tempting in an EMT uniform as his customary football getup, so maybe things are not so troubling as they seem.

But I’ll keep tuning in, just to be sure.

The first time we hit Ding How was a fluke.

Our 16-year-old, Kegan, was just days into his “all things Japanese” phase, and Eric and I were taking our roles as supportive parents very seriously. In a show of solidarity I suggested dinner at Panda Express (long live Orange Chicken) but something about their cafeteria-style service seemed less than authentic on this particular occasion. Besides, “They serve Chinese food, not Japanese. Duh.”

So there we were, hungry and searching for a way to prove our wordly wisdom to a teenager who thinks he already knows everything – when we spied a bright Japanese-y looking sign glowing like a beacon of hope from the confines of a teeny tiny Liberty Lake strip mall storefront. Yes, that’s right. They have strip malls in Japan, don’t they?

One glance at the menu and we knew our search was over. (Which was good, because we were starving.) Surprise! It’s not just a Japanese joint – they serve Chinese, Thai and Korean delights, too. Pad Thai, Miso soup, Szechuan beef … all from a clean little kitchen in a strip mall. Plus there’s a real live sushi bar where they make up raw seafood delights (not possible, imho, but Eric and millions of others heartily disagree) right before your very eyes. Cold silver cans of Sapporo and hot heaping servings of broccoli beef (that actually taste like broccoli and beef) make this one of Eric and my favorite ethnic eateries.

But, in an ironic twist, Kegan’s not so hot on Ding How because, get this – “It’s too authentic.” Ahem. That’s because “It’s not totally Americanized. Duh.”

I’m searching the Fred Meyer condiment aisle for deli mustard and instead find myself face to face with what I am sure will provide job security to cardiologists everywhere – Baconnaise, the “Everything Should Taste Like Bacon” spread. I toss the vat of spreadable meat into my basket faster than you can say angioplasty, and head home.

The jar is open and a Baconnaise-smothered Ritz cracker is in my mouth before the garage door has time to close behind me. And just like that my arteries breathe a sigh of relief.

WTH? This stuff doesn’t taste like bacon. It tastes like somebody tossed one of those greasy sausage logs that make the rounds every Christmas into a blender with a glob of mayo and hit liquefy.

Maybe the dog will eat it.